05 Police Squad Episode 5 - 1982 English

[MALE NARRATOR]
Police Squad! In colour.

Starring Leslie Nielsen.

Also starring Alan North.

[GUNS FIRING]

[SCREAMING]

And Rex Hamilton
as Abraham Lincoln.

[GUN FIRING]

Tonight's special guest star,
Florence Henderson.

Put on a happy... a'

[SCREAMING]

Tonight's episode,
Terror in the Neighbourhood.

[DOGS BARKING]

[SQUAWKING]

All right, girls,
that was very, very nice.

Now, we're gonna do it
one more time, okay?

Now, just watch me very carefully

and do exactly as I do, okay?

And...

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

It's payday, teacher.
Let's have the 50 bucks.

Look, I don't have anything this week.
Business is really bad.

Come on, come on,
continue, girls. Come on.

[MAN] Well, ain't that too bad?

Looks like the teacher needs
a few lessons, Rock.

- Give her the business.
- No, please, don't.

It's okay, sweetheart.
I'm just gonna rearrange

your pretty little face for you.

[SCREAMS]

[JILL SCREAMING]

My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin,
Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad,

a special division
of the police department.

I was out testing new emergency
police vehicles

when I got the call about a girl beaten
in what appeared to be

a neighbourhood
protection racket scheme.

I drove down
to headquarters immediately.

My boss, Ed Hocken, was already there.

Hi, Ed.

Oh, hi, Frank.

I'm glad you're here.
This is a tough one.

- What do we got?
- One scared lady.

A couple of hoods beat up
on her real good.

Did she say anything?

No, nothing.

Same M.O. as the others.

All right, where is she?

Right over there.

Oh, Frank?

She looks pretty bad.

I'm Sergeant Drebin, Jill.

I know this may not
be the right time...

Oh, Frank, not that bad.
That's her over there.

Sorry, madam.

Jill? I'm Captain Drebin.

Cigarette?

Yes, it is.

Well, I'm here to help you.
Coffee?

- No, thank you.
- Tea?

- No.
- Eclair? Rum ball? Torte?

No, really, thank you.

Jill, you've got to give us
something to go on.

Names, description, sounds,
smells, shirt size, anything.

Will you do that?

- I really should go. I shouldn't be here.
- Jill, I know you're frightened.

These criminals,
that's what they count on.

Fear is their greatest weapon.

Jill, if you help us,
we'll put them behind bars for good.

I'm sorry, but I just didn't
get a good look.

Now we can't let these vermin
infest our city.

We'll have a rotten,
scum-sucking cesspool.

OFFICER: [GAGGING] Frank, please,
I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.

A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.

[HOCKEN] Oh, Frank, cut it out, will you?
I'm talking to my mother.

I'm really sorry.

All right, Jill.
I see I'm wasting my breath.

[INDISTINCT]

See the girl over there?

When she leaves,
put a tail on her.

Ed.

Frank.

Are these guys concentrating
on any particular area in the city?

No, we're getting
complaints from all over, all over town.

I have a hunch
they're concentrating right here.

[DREBIN] And nobody'll talk?

No. I tell you, Frank,
without a witness, we're dead.

Maybe we're just gonna
have to get our own evidence first hand.

I don't understand, Frank.

Well, now let's say a new merchant
moves into the neighbourhood,

opens up a shop.

Okay.

[BOTH] A new merchant moves
into the neighbourhood and opens up a shop.

Then let's say

that merchant attracts
a certain couple of thugs

who demand payments.

All right.

[BOTH] That merchant attracts
a certain couple of thugs

who demand payments.

That's a good plan, Frank.

Al, get down to
this neighbourhood here,

locate a small business
that we can occupy immediately.

Okay, Lieutenant.
I'll get right on it.

- What happened to your face?
- I ran into a fire sprinkler.

Okay, go ahead.

Frank, you better take
somebody with you.

Get a hold of Officer Norberg.

Tell him to drop whatever he's doing,
get up here on the double.

Yes, Captain.

[DREBIN] Al did his job well.
He found an abandoned locksmith's shop

just down the street
from Jill's dance studio

in the heart of the
terrorized neighbourhood.

It was a perfect location
in an area of small businesses.

Honest people who worked hard
to make a modest living,

easy pickings for extortionists.

Officer Norberg from the undercover unit
was assigned to the case.

We planned to establish a business
and hoped to become targets ourselves.

Key is ready.

- Thank you. Come again.
- Thank you.

Ah, there we are, sir.
Um, I'll just buff this down for you.

Shoot!

[DOORBELL JINGLING]

Beat it, brush fire.

Hey, what's the idea
of running my customer off?

We just wanna have
a little chat with you.

You the new owner of this shop?

That's right.
What can I do for you?

- Nice place.
- Thank you.

You know, this is
a rough neighbourhood.

Bet you'd hate to see something happen
to your little key store.

What about my little keister?

Key store.

You give us 50 bucks a week
and we make sure your place stays safe.

[DREBIN] I'm not interested.

[MAN] We'd hate to have
to make you interested.

Get out of my shop!
You get nothing from me.

I think you're gonna be sorry
you said that, mister.

Oh, yeah?
You and who else?

Easy, Rock.

We'll see you around.
Take care.

[DOORBELL JINGLING]

[DOOR SLAMMING]

[KEYS CLATTERING]

Well, Norberg, looks like we made contact
with the organization.

You know,
I was just thinking, Lieutenant,

what if we offered one key
free for every three keys duplicated?

And they know
we're not gonna be easy.

- The next move is up to them.
- But only as a limited-time offer.

[GUN FIRING]

Look out!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

It looks like they mean business.

[DREBIN] I went back to the lab

to find out what Olson
had come up with.

The rock that came through our window
was their first warning.

I knew it wouldn't be long
before we were contacted again.

So, Billy,

electrostatic particles are created
by an imbalance of electrons.

The resulting charge is
what we scientists call static electricity.

Gee.

It's... It's just like when your mom takes
a dress out of the dryer,

puts it on and it... and it clings to
every supple curve and soft, round...

[CLATTERING]

Oh, hi, Frank.

Why don't you
run along now, Billy.

Next week don't forget
to bring in those magazines

you found under your father's bed.

Okay, Mr. Olson. Bye.

- What you got, Ted?
- Not very much, Frank.

I did a complete rundown on the rock
that came through your window.

No fingerprints,
no laundry marks.

- It's clean.
- Mmm-hmm.

It's a heck of
an efficient weapon, Frank.

You have to admire
the simplicity of design.

Where'd it come from?

It's very interesting.
I have a theory about that.

[PROJECTOR CLICKING]

OLSON: As you know, Frank,
billions of years ago

our Earth was a molten mass.

[CLICKING]

But for some reason,
not understood by scientists,

the Earth cooled,
forming a crust,

a hard igneous shell.

What we scientists call rock.

[DREBIN] The next morning, Officer
Norberg and I continued our business

as if nothing had happened.

But I knew we hadn't seen
the last of our two persuasive friends.

They were obviously determined
to control the neighbourhood,

and I was determined
to try to stop them any way I could.

- Uh, something I can do for you?
- Ox smith?

No, no, no, no, locksmith.

- Locksmith.
- [LOWING]

Hi, Norberg.

Glad you're back, Lieutenant.
Business is booming.

I just got a huge order
to deliver some deadbolts.

[CLATTERING]

- Be back in a few minutes.
- No problem.

[DOORBELL JINGLING]

Well, if it isn't
the insurance salesmen.

You should be more careful
with your property.

Yeah, we heard you had
a bad accident.

It's too bad you weren't protected.

The way I look at it,
you owe me $100 for that window.

Us? I don't know what
you're talking about.

So, how do you explain this?

Well, billions of years ago,
the Earth was a molten mass.

I'm not interested in that.
You owe me $100. Now cough it up.

[COUGHING]

That's only a 20.

Rocky.

[MEN GRUNTING]

[CLUCKING]

[SCREAMS]

Why don't you lie there
till Tuesday.

That's when they
pick up the garbage.

[CHEERING]

[WHISTLING]

[MAN] You idiots.

You stupid, lame-brained,
inept morons!

What's wrong, Dutch?

[MIMICKING]
What's wrong, Dutch?

You make a hero
out of a punk like that,

he will start getting ideas.
They think we're soft.

Pretty soon, we're out of business.
I'll take care of this myself.

Well, when you get through with him,
can we work him over?

I'm afraid that won't be possible.

When I get through with him,
he'll be dead.

Okay, that'll be eight padlocks,

five combos, two deadbolts
and a dozen hide-a-keys.

By the way, would you be interested
in our holiday gift set?

All right, I just thought I'd ask.
Be right over.

Got a delivery, Frank.

Right, Norberg.

[DOORBELL JINGLING]

May I help you?

Yes, I'd like my apartment key
duplicated, please.

Well, I think I can handle that.

[CLATTERING]

Miss, uh...

Call me Stella.

All right, Stella.

You know, uh, you can tell a lot
about a woman by her keys.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes.
Take my key, for example.

It's silver-plated,
indicating that, um,

I'm a woman who likes
the finer things in life.

I see.

And the face of the key
is unscratched.

That suggests I have
a gentle touch.

I understand.

Uh, how many of these apartment keys
would you like?

Fifty.

You can mail 49 of them
to the Chicago Bears.

Well. And where would you
like the 50th sent?

Just bring it around
to my apartment.

You do deliver, don't you?

[WHISPERING] Of course.

3:00, then.
Just let yourself in.

[DOORBELL JINGLING]

[DREBIN] It took me two weeks
to find Stella's apartment.

She had neglected
to give me her address.

But I had a feeling
she'd still be waiting for me.

[DOG BARKING]

Hey, come on. Good boy.

[KEY TURNING IN LOCK]

[BARKING]

That's not exactly my idea
of a warm welcome.

- I thought you were a burglar.
- Oh, cuts quite a story.

I deliver the key as promised.
You shoot me as a burglar.

That's your story.

[PHONE RINGING]

[DREBIN] That's the telephone.

Pick it up.

Hello.

Hello, baby. This is Dutch.

You take care of that
locksmith for me?

Now you say what I tell you.
Everything is taken care of.

- Everything is taken care of.
- [DUTCH] That's my girl.

I'd sure like to see you.

I'd sure like to see you.

Sure thing, baby.
You still love me?

Of course I love you.

Of course I love you.

You don't sound like
you mean it, lambikins.

Of course I mean it, lambikins.

Of course I mean it, lambikins.

Do you really, binky poo?

More than anything,
schnooky lumps.

More than anything,
schnooky lumps.

Schnooky lumps?
Oh, I like that.

Schnooky lumps.
You never called me that before.

[DUTCH] Hey, what happened
last night to bring this on?

When you held me in your manly arms
and crushed me to your lips,

I discovered what it meant
to be a real woman.

When I think of your handsome face,
your cruel lips,

your strong chin, the way you touch,
the way you smother me with kisses...

Honey, I gotta go. Um...

Meet me at my office
tomorrow at 3:00.

[WHISPERING] All right, darling.

All right, darling.

What are you going to do now?

You and I are going
down to headquarters.

[DREBIN] I booked Stella on
an attempted murder charge.

I had a stop to make
before I kept my date with Dutch.

[CLANKING]

[DREBIN] What's the word
in the streets, Johnny?

I hear a lot of things.

What do you know
about Dutch Gunderson?

He grew up an orphan
on the Lower South Side.

His mother, a prostitute,
died when he was only three.

He started stealing apples
at the age of six.

Spent a lifetime in juvenile hall.

All he's ever known is
the world of crime.

This doesn't excuse what he does,

but I think we understand him
a little better.

I got 20 asking for concrete evidence
against Dutch.

I know none of this is
admissible, Lieutenant,

but I got some photostats
of a couple of business dealings

that make your guy
look pretty dirty.

Thanks, Johnny.

It seems I've got
a 3:15 appointment.

3200.

Well.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Johnny, there's a fire
in the Brubaker Building.

I don't know anything about it.

That's a furniture warehouse.

Once the fire hits the polyvinyl,

you'll have dense smoke
and lethal chlorine gas.

Extinguish the main part
of the fire with pump trucks and with foam.

And bring in a cherry picker
to evacuate the survivors.

Thanks, Johnny.

Men, get your gas masks.

I want a cherry picker over here.
All right, let's move it!

Oh, you're right on time, lambikins.

- Make yourself a drink, baby.
- No, thanks, Dutch.

Who are you,
and how did you get in here?

I'm the locksmith
and I'm a locksmith.

I'm surprised to see you're still alive,
locksmith.

[MEOWING]

Stella usually doesn't miss.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.
Just lucky, I guess.

- [WHIMPERING]
- Well, your luck has just run out.

Oh, you don't think I'm gonna come
and see the professor

without doing my homework?

That should make
interesting reading to the police.

Uh, that's a photostat.
You can keep it.

[WHIMPERING]

You got guts, locksmith.

Well, what's your game?

Dutch, I see what
your organization takes in.

I wanna become part of it.

Interesting.

I might have a job for you.

I'm having some trouble
with a certain tailor in the neighbourhood.

Want me to collect from the tailor?

No.

I want you to kill him.

See, it's not that I'm not grateful
for the police protection, Captain,

it's... it's just that
it's a little disruptive.

We just want you
to be safe, ma'am.

That's why we brought
the undercover men.

- Captain?
- Yeah.

Lieutenant Drebin just called.
They're hitting the old tailor tonight.

You see, Captain,
I will be just fine for now.

Now, couldn't you take
your squad away?

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING
ON RECORD PLAYER]

Okay, let's go.

Hey!

Hey, what's the idea?

There's been a switch.

We're hitting the dance teacher tonight.

Something wrong, locksmith?

- Of course not.
- So, let's go.

Lieutenant,
what are you doing here?

The other policemen
just... just left.

So, you're a cop.
I should've known.

That's all right.
That's one mistake we can fix real easy.

Get over there, sister.

All right, Rock,
let's kill us two birds with one stone.

- [SCREAMING]
- Jill! Jill!

Look out!
He's got a knife!

Look out!
He's got a club!

He's got a signed Picasso!

Look out! He's got herpes!
He's got cold sores.

Jill, call the Police Squad.

Hey, Ed.

- Frank.
- Good news.

Just picked up Dutch Gunderson.
That wraps up his operation.

You know, Frank,
fear is a terrible thing.

Makes people forget
their duties as citizens.

Yeah. Well, there's one thing for sure.

If Gunderson wants to run
a protection racket,

from now on he's gonna have to do it
in the Stateville Prison.

Say when, Frank.

When.

[COFFEE SPILLING]

[MALE NARRATOR] Be sure to tune in
next week for another exciting story

from the files of Police Squad!